Survived 4 weeks — it's hung.

God I didn't think I would make it a month but here we are - Kensi will be a month as of this Sun, Feb 19! Actually there's an ongoing debate in our house on whether she's already a month. Dan thinks we should be counting every Thurs by 11:30pm as a full week since that's when she was born - which means she's already a month old. My mom thinks it should go from Jan 19-Feb 19. What's the actual definition because inquiring minds wants to know.

Processing what I felt at week 2 versus week 4, here's the difference:

Still highs and lows for sure, and every time I think we feel like we kinda know what's going on something new happens that throws us for a loop. Like baby acne - I know this is very common for babies because their skin is essentially untouched when they come out and just naturally react to things as more time continues on Earth, but like what's normal and what's severe that we should be concerned about?

Sleep deprivation - still an issue but some days are better than others. But sleep is never great, which I'm told you just have to accept until they turn maybe 15 years old.

She's getting increasingly fussy and spits up so much that I'm constantly overthinking everything we are doing. Like is it me, my milk, am I holding her differently, am I doing something wrong, if she spits up so much does that mean she didn't consume anything, etc etc etc. This whole over analyzing everything that goes wrong is a HUGE issue, because as a first time parent you can't help but over analyze everything since it's all new.

I've hired the person who trained us for hypnobirthing to come do private sessions with me for post partum care and infant massage classes. Since I responded so well to what she taught for the delivery I'm very hopeful that she will provide equally effective tools for post partum and help increasing bonding with the baby. Maybe this will reduce all the tears (mine AND the baby's!).

BTW: I'm still questioning wtf we have done and still committed to likely being a one child family, because this is hard AF and it's made even worse I think by having the deadly trifecta combo: Type A + Hypochondriac + Not naturally maternal. This is the perfect storm for feeling pretty unimpressed with motherhood. Plus I know tons of people who are an only child and they have tons of friends and turn out (relatively) normal.

I'm not into tracking milestones month by month because right now all I focus on is whether she eats, produces enough diapers, sleeps and is clean (enough) but here are some pictures that provide some hope that life might get better:

1. A friend made a flower headband for her and I put it on her the other day but I call it her purple cabbage hat. I think putting funny things on her will at least provide some small personal form of entertainment (but in no way makes up for the sleep deprivation, let that be clear!).

2. Dan has discovered she likes to look at herself in the mirror. I don't know why but I think this is funny because maybe she will be as vain as her mom? I'm actually quite proud of her 😂

3. WEATHER IS WARMER THANK GOD. Took our first family walk today. Once the weather warms I vow to get out and walk everyday (duh because I can't drive) so that I can try to return to feeling a bit more human.

Sending prayers out to the universe out there that I start getting more sleep. If anyone would like to donate their prayers to this cause I would welcome your positive energy and thoughts!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼